Powerup Comics

Never thought I'd be able to say this, but I found it. Or rather, we found it, for this neverending search for bad webcomics is nothing if not the labors of a community, united in mind and will. What we have found is the worst gaming comic, that puzzling enigma residing in the swamps of DrunkDuck: Powerup Comics, the subject about which these words are written. Though mere words seem insufficient to describe its horrors, as always I shall intrepidly try.

In here friends of originality, that ambrosia sought so desperately on those angry streets at dawn, will find no fellow traveller, for the well-familiar archetypes are established in quick succession from the very first strip. Two comrades, united in their mutual hobby of gaming, a couch that said hobby takes place on, and a talking inanimate object. Soon after is the strawman established, upon whom is pinned the wilted arguments and failed dreams of nemesii imagined, easily dispatched by the self-insert protagonist with gratuitous violence time and again. And the ensemble can't be complete without the sarcastic girl gamer who fails to break the cliché of breaking the cliché of female gamers not being as good (at gaming) as their male counterparts.

Gaming 'humor' in general is a black hole of comedy, and Powerup Comics only reinforces that truth, as it not only has stock gaming webcomic characters but stock gaming webcomic jokes as well. The Wii has poor graphics? How cutting-edge! What's next, Shadow and Chug? Jack Thompson jokes? That's right! Oh and Nintendo must have been on WEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDdd to come up with their crazy game concepts AM I CORRECT IN THIS ASSUMPTION!?? Why don't you fucks eat a bullet of creativity or something, by which I mean kill yourselves, with a bullet that you shoot into your mouth? Die shittingly.

Going further, we can look at Powerup Comics's first attempts at a storyline, which as expected fails to grip the reader, develop the plot, or deliver a satisfying conclusion. Not that much can be expected in the first place, but even the lowest base level of entertainment fails to be reached. Even the simplest applications of the reversal of expectation end up only reinforcing slight clichés and the flat characterizations defined entirely by gaming console preferences. Such is quite typical of Powerup Comics storylines, often recycling themes and ideas tried and failed miserably in other terrible gaming webcomics, essentially performing the role of the bottom feeder in the ecosystem that is webcomics.

Even estimating the number of gaming comic clichés fulfilled by the first few strips alone is a task better left to those of a more numerical persuasion. The blatant use of copy-paste almost reaches self-parody as new characters are assembled from parts cut, pasted, and possibly recolored from old ones. Even new poses are generated this way. This has not escaped the notice of even the DrunkDuck crowd, prompting the expected responses of men so dull in the creative faculties. Truly this, if nothing else, proves the worthiness of Powerup Comics to join the ranks of the comics reviewed on this blog, as it was rejected even by those who would accept comics of the most abysmal quality with their fives. Fives, good sir. Fives gleaming gold in the light of a constant sun.

Really, there seems to be nothing Powerup Comics succeeds at that is in any way related to worth. Through word-of-mouth they have achieved readership, but you, dear reader, should know by now that such a metric is all but useless in assessing quality. But even that readership is illusory, for it seems to consist nearly entirely of people fully aware of the comic's true quality, either expressing their distaste directly or egging on the comic to continue with false praise. There is no other explanation for certain guest comics. And it's understandable, as though the comic has a Cafepress store, without actual fans it will not be a money-making venture anytime soon. Supporting it truly is harmless, as even the lowest echelons of the internet public are loath to flock to it. After all, in a world of absolutely terrible gaming webcomics that have achieved financial success on their own, ironically supporting the one that towers above the rest on that ignoble scale can be downright therapeutic.

But inadvertent entertainment does not excuse Powerup Comics' faults, and nor does it excuse the faults of the creators as their takes on homosexuality, race, politics and history betray a worldview that is supremely ignorant at best.

All in all, I can only wish death on Chug and Shadow. That's right, death, and not the kind of death that leads to the childish hopes promised by religion (by the way I highly doubt that Chug and Shadow possess the intellectual maturity to be logic-choosing Atheists such as myself), but to actual, shitting, death. Because they are simply horrible people, and not just for the comic alone, as mentioned above. What I wouldn't doubt would be that they were libertarians, as libertarianism is the political ideology most suited for spoiled children who feel entitled to things and should also probably die because the world won't miss them. In fact I would have assumed their support of Ron Paul straight-up if it wasn't for that comic about Ron Paul. I wouldn't be surprised if they came out in support of Obama next. They're halfway there, after all, and Obama is the perfect fit for those who love imaginary friends and are twelve years old.

Lastly, just look at the comic's misogyny. Apparently women are simply props to demonstrate the desirability that proficiency in video gaming grants in Shadow and Chug's world. Alix, the only female character, is hardly developed past her gamer-girl sarcasm and inexplicable attraction to Shadow, the self-insert character of Shadow, the primary author. For these additional transgressions they deserve to die, even more than they already do. That's it, I can't go on anymore. This terrible rape-abortion of a comic by these buttshoes has broken me, has broken all of us. It's a fitting coda for this project. The following are my parting words, and possibly the last you will ever hear from us, so heed them well.

Look inside yourself. Ourselves. Let us look inside ourselves and realize that those ultimately at fault for webcomics like Powerup Comics are not people like Shadow and Chug but people like you and me. For we are webcomic readers. Even by simply reading bad webcomics to make fun of them we are webcomic readers. And most of us are not merely readers, for we continue to perpetuate the lie that these bad webcomics we mock aren't the entire medium, and that there are these mythical 'good' webcomics that everyone should support 'instead'. But let me explain this to you: There are no good webcomics. At all. Without exception. By pretending otherwise we give the legitimacy of our tacit assent to a shithole of a medium that shouldn't be in the same language as the word 'art'. Even the best webcomic and the best webcomic blog (this one) is naught but Powerup Comics translated - a shallow reflection of a culture, tepid and utterly empty, contributing absolutely nothing of its own. The only difference is the culture itself, which we cannot pretend is any better than 'gaming culture', as this culture stoops to using webcomics to express itself of all fucking things. Know that this is the absolute truth, and there is no denying it.

So we realize that there is only one course of action left to us, and that is to wash our hands completely of this particular sphere of the internet. Delete your bookmarks of webcomics and anything related to webcomics such as forums, podcasts, and blogs. Yes, even this blog, for after today there will be no new updates. We hope you join us in leaving this wretched world of online sequential art behind and look forward to the new day tomorrow when we all will webcomic no more. Free at last, we webcomic no more.